Showing posts with label pain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pain. Show all posts

The Bells

 Another one gone! 

Brothers left without brothers

and mother's with hands so wrung 

they become the bell that tolls for grief.


Rare and not so rare 

their share of hard won wisdom 

is gone.

Vanished. Lost.

And what a loss it is, 

The lessons they shared with us

lessen the din of

 disharmonious hum into

sympathetic resonance.



Wasted April

 Wandering this wasteland

weaponised with witty lines

lifted directly to remind us

April is the cruelest month

as if we didn't understand.

As if the death dates didn't loom each year

bank holiday conjunctions functioning 

as klaxons calling forth old traumas.

No chance of resurrection.

And who would want it anyway?

Watch all your loved ones die or decay.

Quickly, slowly, pass the days 

in dreadnoughts of anticipation.

The plunder of our collective memories

by the passing of its guardians

marks the changing of the guard,

the evolution of the yardstick of civilisation. 

To stall is to suffer.

To stagnate is to suffocate.

For us, to survive has to suffice

for the briefest of blooms still bless us with their beauty

and it is pity I feel for those who don't fill their eyes. 

Pedestals

Heed the mob with scythe and sickle,
Burning torches, glassy eyes.
Adoration false and fickle.
Come to cut her down to size.
They invested, they projected,
Told her she could have it all.
And when she did the unexpected
Gleeful forced her graceless fall.
Bind her hands and cut her tongue out.
Mock her struggle to survive.
Hobble her with heartfelt hatred
Sharpen up your spiteful knives.
Parcel out her flesh as pound cakes
Pass around her hacked off hair.
Memorise her worst mistakes.
Burden her with cross to bear.
Be careful when you are beholden.
Flatterers are always liars.
Don't believe your hype or fanbase.
Pedestals are funeral pyres.

Chance Encounter

She came in breathless, restless, shaking
looking for something calming to take in
light of the heartless news he’d broken.
Miles from home and hard words spoken.

A cliché he’d taken, younger of course.
Probably blonde, probably divorced.
He wants to have and eat his cake.
To her, this is the island of heartbreak.

When we saw her she was in shock but soon she will be livid.
The bastard before he’d told her, had already spoken to the kids.

What can you say to a woman’s shell?

except; you have to keep walking when going through hell.

Magpie

All week long I saw them.
Those portents gleaming, squawking,
hopping, cocked head, taunting,
“Sorrow! Sorrow!”; giving warning.

Well dressed spectres perching trite
on ghoulish glamour of foresight
from watchful beads. Their message might
be overlooked, taken light

-ly. I mistook their solo missions
as personally guided acts of attrition
and didn’t realize what they were bringing
was the precious gift of premonition.

Now I replay my memories and lessons impart
-ed by you, my husband’s family’s matriarch.
Luminous lady now journeying in to dark
with no map or signs. No official chart.

Are those monochromatic couriers guiding
the Valkyries with whom you’re riding?
Battles corporeal you fought inspiring
-ly with bravery unretiring.

If the piebald post can pass their notes from Future into Past
Can missives slip between the cracks of the Living and the Passed?
And if only one can get through to you
out of the endless many
let it be this truth you’ve heard a million times:

“Ciao, Tesoro. Ti voglio bene”.


In memoriam of Luciana Pavia. 4th October 1940 - 20th January 2015

Hiding

Long sleeves. Long legs.
These lines are too telling.
I wish I could explain
how this pain helps that pain.
But language is limited.

Speaker Celebrity

Three years of ridding myself of my rage
left me bellaputrescent and old for my age.
I appear to you now as a mere wizened spectre;
A wrinkled and cynical regret collector.
My most squalid and heartbroken version of self.
Insurmountable walls built on negative wealth.
Don't judge me on all of my confident bluster.
The truth is so human, severely lacklustre.
The best metaphor is that I am a pearl;
A wist-wasteful woman in guise of a girl.
Layers of glamour, a heart made of sh**;
My place in this world an uncomfortable fit.
Now hollow of eye, of cheek and of heart
I fantasise daily of ways to depart
and romanticise leaving no remnant behind;
Of wiping all memories of me from all minds.
Don't get me wrong, it's not my own demise
that's driving me now - I'm no suicide.
I want retrospectively not to exist.
I would never have chosen a life such as this,
knowing now what I know. If I knew then
that my life would be guided by follies of men
so selfish and cold they can't even admit
when they've lied. Would I want it? Not in a fit!
They tell me that if I pretend long enough
-at happiness, love and all of that stuff-
that one day I'll wake up and I'll feel content
walking this finite and f***** firmament.
They tell me that life isn't really so bad,
that I am environmentally sad,
that all will improve, given hope, given time.
"It's just circumstantial. Try going outside."
So I straighten my face and strengthen my defense
And once more construct my perfected pretence -
That I'm choosing to live, I've the world on a plate.
That I'm not just a selfish and boring ingrate.
And who knows what will be in the days still to come?
Not me, if I freak, chicken out and just run.
Now I bid you good day, tip my hat, flash a smile
and invite you to wander this path for a while
and keep walking until we emerge in the sun.
For my life in the shadows is near enough done.

Surely?


Life as a Legal Drug Dealer

Daily I hunch as a pensive Paolo
Upon the stool of derailed dreams.
Bathing in burning garlic fumes
and the stench of chip fat
long since past its best.
Squinting at the scores on miracle cures
purporting to prolong a painful life.
Apothecary's emanuensis.
Tightrope ballerina between
The Junky
and
The Medicated.
I paddle in their suffering,
bailing out water where I can.
These dosette boats only float for so long.
When they finally drown
I step out.
And carefully dry the skin between my toes.

Affirmation

Even in the midst of night
the distant wail of T-Rex's cousins
reach me.
And even when I am not right
and fall and fail I let the lessons
teach me.
And in the hours I feel alone
I remind myself of the myriad network
around me.
And all the things as yet unknown;
Concerns of health and joy that lurk
astound me.                            [impound me]                           (glass is half...)

I refuse to forget who I am.
I refuse to forget who I am.
I refuse to forget.

Love: All

To err is human, to forgive divine
What course of action will be thine?
Heroic vengeance, stoic acceptance.
How sincere if any repentance?
A tree does not know it is wretched
But wretched is all that I am.
For I know I know nothing and inside that nothing
is the knowledge that all that he was was a sham.
And the fear of losing my unknowing had
Who was there when I called on my way to being mad.
The only one I called when it all went to shit
Who knew of my tears and my chemical habit.
The others passed 7 long years in the dark
As I wandered wasted our common-themed park.
Now this new attraction, so shiny and slick!
But is it honey or venom that drips from each click?
"I've seen love from both sides now" and other songs like such
And honestly for me the emotion gets too much.
I always retreat to the space in my head which opens to stardust and perceptional shift.
Not induced by drugs or anything more than a headache as felt by young Alice.
but I'm losing the point now; my reason is this:
I'm teetering on a lfe precipice
And it's not up to me on which way I will slide.
All engines are dead now, I nothing but glide.
How heady this high blood pressure!
How heavy the weight of the world!
In this humidity, no wonder my hair is starting to curl.
And I can do nothing but pass back and forth
Like a tennis ball, final, Wimbeldon court
And it's Love: All

So Spoke My Lover's Ghost

Kiss me love and let me die,
No backward glance, no tearful eye
No longing or lingering last embrace
No staring blankly into space
Forget my love, my laugh, my touch,
New memories are made as such.
Recall not my lustful sighs
Find joy between new nymphet’s thighs.
Think not of how I sleeping breathe,
For lonely nights bring no reprieve
And as I sadly watch you grieve
My heart breaks. And burns. And bleeds.

Constant Companion

Let me with thoughts just silent be
And smoke this rollie; 43.
I have no urgent place to go,
I’m not alone. I have my Woe.
She dances oh-so-prettily
With outstretched arms on bended knee
But pauses often just to sigh
And if you ask she won’t say why.
She’ll just smile enigmatically
And offer you a cup of tea
In tones so sweet. She’s never sour.
Not once has she been known to glower.
To some she seem so pure and free,
But this is bonded liberty
And you can wager futures on’t;
There is a price for freedom’s font.
In her eyes you’ll seldom see
Unadulterated glee.
There’s always partial secrets too.
They must be kept from folk like you.
For Woe and I, we are a we,
That’s she and I, not you and me
And she’s observed all that I’ve squandered,
Lives I’ve bruised and lessons pondered.
I’m accustomed to her company
And other don’t see her, just me.
With blackened, widened, blinded eyes,
They’ll never see behind the lines
So let me with thoughts silent be.
I’m not alone, for Woe’s with me.