Straight outta tha Pondy

It's nice to be down with you Southside folk. 

Got my passport stamped by some Culture Vannnin bloke.

He gave me border grief,
wouldn't cut me no slack.
I'm from the wrong side of the electric railway track.

I live in Ramsey.
It's the place to be.
We don't get your chances or your budgetries.
You've got most of the jobs, most of the bars
and most of the parking for most of the cars.
We've got increasing numbers of unemployed,
pregnant teens and banged up boys.
We've got genteel hippies, restaurants,
Shakti Man and the Mooragh splash park.
We're a town with texture and layers of past
and the odd pool of vomit you have to sidle past.
They've gentrified our heart and installed a Costa Coffee.
The old businesses are closing 'cause the young folk have no money.
We've a working port, a bit industrial.
Still a bit rough; we're Mannanin's rebel.

You've know you've met a Northerner when you meet attitude
and you in your ignorance might think them being rude
but what you're missing is up here we don't have need for graces. We like straight talking, standing ground and getting in your faces.

They've fancily repaved Parliament Street
but that doesn't change the leaking shoes or dogshit on your feet.
You can will a town to prosper but you can't make poor folk spend
and everything's eroded by the pigeons in the end.
You tell us about Anagh Coar and what it's like in Pully
but they all seem bourgeois when you compare them to the Pondy.

In the winter it is crowded in the Library
because it has heating and you can stay all day for free.
The businesses that work up here are all a bit niche.
Old money eccentricities unlike your nouveau riche
high street brand name blandness up and down your old Strand Street,
homogenised and sterilised by office shoe clad feet.
Not happy with two Costas, you've a Starbucks now as well!
And what have we got to counter that?
Leonard Singer, and Alan Bell.

Cheesecake: The Prequel

Wake up, late.

Dry mouth.

Morning after the house warming party before state

and yawning, stretch.

Slight retch

at tequila backwash acid.

Heavy lids

downstairs skid

past poltergeist pong of

overnight guests’ evacuations

exposing pot pourri’s limitations

and push open kitchen door.

Thirsty.

Detritus of guests

abandoned cups,

abandoned hats

for poetry and otherwise

plates on sides.

Kettle on: click

then the comforting promise of

pkchkchkchkchkchkch

as dry lips are licked in anticipation

of culmination

of delayed gratification.

Made three days previous

(and left out too long) grievous

sin to waste it though,

Too good to throw away.

Chocolate sprinkles, biscuit base,

New York style. The last piece placed

back on the shelf

in the fridge by itself

next to orange juice. Healthy.

A hangover cure.

Oh blessed breakfast, mon amour!

I reach for fridge door

stand on sticky spiky tines.

Raspy swearing cough

and hop

and hold my toe as I

sideways go

and fall against spillage stained sideboard.

Who would leave a fork on the floor

next to the fridge?

Grumpily slump

retrieve fork from floor

and squint.

What’s that?

Between tobacco stained finger and chipped painted thumb?

A crumb.

Suspicion aroused

fridge door open flung

 to reveal:

Someone’s eaten my cheesecake!

                                                                                                                                         

My good friend Bill Strutt wrote a poem about cheesecake which is often requested and always performed with great aplomb. I wrote this in his style, in tribute to all the fantastic work he does to introduce poetry to people on a daily basis.

 Bill has a great, deep growly voice which lends itself to characterisation, storytelling and the gift of the gab. An incorrigible poetry pusher, he can often be found performing at different events and open mics across the island. I urge you to experience his skill.

The Misty-Eyed Memoirs of Comic Sans

We all do things for money

When we’re naïve and young.

They told me I’d regret it.

They said the time would come

When I’d want to do something serious,

Wouldn't want to be bubbles and fun.

But I played to young boys magazines

And all their advice I shunned.

You see me now in knock off bins

And bootlegs DVDs.

I’m never on embossed invites,

But flyers for wannabes.

Not known for my straight talking style

But for my curves that please.

The suggestion is that of a good time –

One for which there isn't a fee.

The boys queue up to read Her now.

Just watch her rising star.

Taller, thinner, simpler than me.

I’m sure that she’ll go far.

I feel I should have warned her

Out the goodness of my heart

That the life of a typecast typeface

Will drive you to the bar.

(co-written by Tenby. Copyright and ownership asserted)