The Lunatic Will Always Look Like A Lunatic

I’m a loud speaker, baby.

The fun-house mirror of the world.

I amplify the signals.

I throw back at you your words.

I’m a great big natural sea sponge,

absorbing your projections.

I long to be impermeable, unreflective

to have protection

from all the barbs and badness

that others throw at me.

Instead I let them in,

magnify them, then I see

the way I’ve been affected

and what I’m giving out

isn’t really what I think at all

so what’s that all about?

Thoughts not mine come flowing forth

frothing with their falsehoods

while reason screams “you’re making scenes

from others’ opinions and bullshit!”

True people make me truly myself,

I noticed years ago

when first I learned what it meant

to honestly let go.

The worst of these adopted themes

is others’ jealousy.

I don’t know how to deal with it

it doesn’t come naturally.

Instead it makes me crazy,

thinking in ever smaller circles,

doubting those I love

eroding my hard-won self-worth.

It must be fucking awful

to have to always feel like that.

I’m glad these thoughts are not mine;

I’ve just absorbed them from that twat.

The one who fawns all over him

and then treats me like shit.

To see her act like a Mean Girl bitch

is frankly, a bit pathetic.

I’m his wife and he’s my husband

and we believe in marriage.

Perhaps you should focus on your boyfriend;

your own relationship needs to be salvaged.

You’ve no respect for us, it’s clear

and your self respect needs attention.

And as you really aren’t worth my time

This is the last time you’ll get a mention.

Indesiderata

You looked at me and the love in your eyes faded

And I realized it was this I was most afraid of.

The swapping of fluids is only an act,

A bodily function, a pastime in fact but,

Seeing you look at someone else like that –

This is what heartbreak is made of.

You looked at me and the love in your eyes faded.

It was a look until then I hadn’t noticed was missing.

I saw it the day our son was born,

Before we were married each and every morning

But yesterday I would blindly have sworn

That sparkle was there, betraying your feelings, glistening.

You looked at me and the love in your eyes faded

As if someone had put a night-cover over the sun.

At that moment I felt myself partly disintegrate

Pulverized by a blow indelicately dealt

It jarred and its impact still reverberates

Was it too late to go back to where we had begun?

You looked at me and the love in your eyes faded

As if it were I extinguishing your flame.

I would never have thought

A glance could import such

Weight of a lesson well taught

But this is the time to rebuild and not place blame.

You looked at me and the love in your eyes faded.

And I saw it had been for experience traded

The trust between us had degraded

By poverty broken, jealousy jaded

Both hard headed, couldn’t be persuaded

That through the worst we had already waded.

We spoke and we realized we’d already made it.

We looked at each other and the rest of the world

Evaporated.

2014 was a tough year. Not just for me, but for everyone around me. This year I learned the importance of good communication. 

Ironically, that's all I want to say about that.